I have been working with the elderly now for many years, and even with instructions and classes that teach us not to become attached, I have always found it hard not to do so.
I shed my silent tears when I have to place IV in ones arm, I know that it is needed for hydration or antibiotic therapy but still I feel as if I am hurting a friend.
I do not let it impede my job, but it still affects me.
Many of my close cohorts say I am just getting to soft, don't let it get to you man.
And seeing the tears of a family member while I put in a feeding tube, sometimes causes the mist to form in my eyes and the pain in my heart to seek release.
But I have been able to quell it for a long time.
When each one reaches the end of their life, I find myself out side on the centers patio running many thought through my mind.
Is this how it all ends, here in this lonely place?
I have made connections with many of the patients over the years, I get chastised for it, but why the hell are we here anyway.
These people are human beings, they need compassion.
They are someone's Mother, Father or Grandparent.
And they deserve respect and dignity just as much as we do.
They have loved their lives and have rich histories to tell.
Cause without them would any of us exist, not only is this our chosen job but a way of offering a piece of our hearts.
I have watched families with their hearts feeling so high, because a family member came out of their illness.
Only to be devastated when they passed in their sleep.
I have seen and reported abuse, only to see it swept under the proverbial carpet of the system. So I continue to make connections with my patients, and if it is wrong then so be it.
I watched my previous step father go from 260 pounds 6' 5," dwindle to 130 pounds and fall in a coma and die after much suffering.
I saw my Grandmother fail to senility, once a Registered Nurse.
She did not know anyone by the time she passed, it was so hard to accept.
But I feel even if they cannot relate to reality, in some way with a word or a touch their spirit knows you are there.
I try to treat them as close to family as I can.
All of these feeling have become so very real to me as my mother now is in the facility where I work.
She suffered a stroke, and to see her there tears at my very soul.
I know of her wishes, but am not in command of her medical decisions.
My step father and sister over ride those needs.
Her entire right side is dead, she is unable to talk but I know she feels our touch and hears our words.
Just a few nights past I t was up to me to do something by Doctors order that I knew she did not want done.
The previous shift fell off of their duties and passed it on to Night shift.
So when I came on I was asked to assist in putting down a feeding tube, I could see the hurt and disgust in my mothers eyes as I explained to her what we were going to do.
I held my emotions deep inside, and after placement was checked I left.
I went to the far back patio and just fell apart and balled like a baby.
The next morning I returned to see how she was doing, and she wouldn't even look at me she would just turn away.
I clocked out and got my car and cried all the way home.
So now the full reality of her stroke, and her decreasing health was taking it's toll on me.
I knew she did not want a tube down her nose, but I knew as well she was not eating enough or getting enough fluids.
Her Labs were showing her borderline malnutrition and dehydration status.
I was the bad guy, cause my sister wanted her to have this.
Neither of us wanter to lose our Mom, but I was torn between Mothers wishes and her medical needs.
I have decided that I will be there for her as best I can, and I am sure no matter what incurs she will know I loved her no matter what.
I now realize that being close to these people is not wrong, and no one will change my mind.
And having the situation now so close to home, will only push my need to help others be more apparent.
Tom Atterberry

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